Artificial Memoirs.

I call it Artificial Memoirs, because they do not necessarily mean I have felt such things or been through such things. Everything I write just comes from my mind and don't necessarily mean they are personal in anyway from a range of stories to soliloquies. 

I normally just spend 30mins writing it then I never go back to re-edit, change them or finish them but mainly due to the fact I do get lazy and do not want to over think on such things. Once it is there it is, once it has gone it is gone.

My twitter normally have my one liners. @frozenvanity 

P.s. I get writers block all the time. Most of the time honestly. 


Midnight vision, heart drumming, Legs running.
I have nowhere to go but I am leaving again…far away from these wretched emotions that fill me up.


I am standing inside the tube now it is getting terribly busy the further I go into the lime light city. I look at everyone on the train wondering where they come from, who they miss, and what they are sorry for. I just want to know their story; I want to know what hurt them, who hurt them and how bad the damage is. I want to know who just had a fight, who just had the happiest day of their life, who is grieving and who is thriving. I want to know what is in the darkest corners of their minds, what is the deepest secret their hiding from the world, the memories that have been buried aside and never to be dug out, the heart ache that left them scarred. I want to know their story.

I want to know who they are texting… are they fighting? Are they planning a meet up for the very first time? Are they getting to know each other? Are they just asking to go buy some milk from the local shop? Are they declaring their love for the very first time… or the last?


I know, I know… I'm escaping from my own reality. Reality, an illusion. Escaping from one’s mind is impossible, yet here I am on a train to know where. Needing to know other humans tragedies to bury my own.

My face, a book of lost hope, my voice, an earthquake. I find a seat and sit down.


The door opens and more passengers get on now. Here I am in the depths of despair. Bitter thoughts accumulating in my mind. I force a smile. A euphemism.


My body in the present. My mind in the future. My mind a shredded novel, chewing gum stuck to a shoe, an agitated bee hive, a child’s drawing,tangled roots beneath soil, a never ending cage.


It is terribly busy now. Bodies colliding, faces merging into the humid windows.


So I sit here on this train, to unravel my mind only to find you hidden beneath it all. My mind is polluted and I cannot breath. I cannot escape.


So I dispelled my words on to paper.

From the fields of beauty to the dark depths of the city, my emotions are corrupting me. In reflection of colour and depth, lights and crowds, lay the gentle wishes of you and I.

I like you a lot. More than I have ever liked anyone. How can that be when I hate the company of human beings? I do not desire the affection of humans for I have tasted it and been stricken sick. I was stricken sick for several months. It filled me up like a 3 course meal only to regurgitate it later.

I spilt my soul onto the dirty impure land. My soul had been contaminated. My soul was contaminated with distant melancholy memories and the longing for he who could only be seen in my dreams.
I want to feel your emotions within me. Pour your emotions into a cup and let me taste and have a sip.  I swirl your emotions inside my mouth, my taste buds tingling in search for sweet or sour.

I want to know if you will make me sick or revive me. Let me taste you for the corruptions of my own emotions are making me sick.

‘Hey!! Hey you! Baby!’ I screamed so loud, my mouth reacted before my brain could even establish words into a proper sentence or even at least think twice before I spoke out foolishly. I thought it was him; all those light reflective buildings, flashing bright lights from the car headlights, neon billboards… must have blinded me for a split second for I swear it was him that I saw!

I just stood in the middle of the unfamiliar congested street, like a rabbit frozen with fear on a main road, cars heading straight. I was paralysed  every inch of my body but my tear ducts seemed to work for the sea began to rise and the river began to flow. I lost my self in the moment; anxiety in the death room engulfed me, I was drowning.

A stampede of people nudging me, barging in to my shoulder blade, some looking at me strangely as if to say get out the way lady! I wanted to move but my legs were tree trunks and I had roots down to the core of the earth.

The rich sweet air was full of love, pass me a gas mask. Eyes fixated on the young couple next to me declaring their love for one and other, the old hunched man and frail woman entangled hands as they slowly walked into the distant lights. No one warned me this city was jammed with love and I couldn’t run away, every street and corner I turned…love was everywhere. How it stabbed me in the heart! And not like a friend who stabbed you once in the back…love looked straight into my eyes and took the knife and stabbed me continuously and violently.

Maybe this city should have been called Paris, or maybe Paris wasn't really the city of love. Ah, I get it now… this is the city of heartbreaks.

I love no one but you, but you are far far away and I am here alone, lost in a city full of heartbreaks.

My other side died, and now what’s left is half of me.

The distant melancholy waves crashed against her back, and my emotions lingered in the absence of light. I am the scared skies that are grey, and the sad wind that is cold, I am the shivers down your spine, the frost in the morn, I am the oceans roars, and my other half’s screams. She always told me I had no imagination, I therefore took hers, she told me I was cold, i felt her warm blood, she told me I couldn't do it, but I guess she was wrong as she’s now floating in the bath cold blooded and pale. The sour smell of death lingers in the room, and my eyes are filled with the rivers falls, I look up in hope, but the sky turns black, I look down and I hear the distance echoes calling my name.

Togetherness was no more, two was long gone, I am forever alone but hadn’t you pushed me, the other bloodthirsty unpredictable side wouldn’t have surfaced.

Imagine emotions metaphorically, literally and physically walking down my spine, i turn from hells warmth to the most painful icy statue, i cannot move, i cannot speak, nor hear, but i feel, i feel the sudden rush of freedom in my veins. 

Long before i ever felt that; i used to watch the city burn with lights as i stood at the very top of the building and the nights were as hot as hell, I would hear the wind whispering into my ear, telling me to jump, telling me i could fly and be free. Some days i believed the whisper. I would stand on the ledge, take deep breaths in and out, my limbs shaking, my heart pumping so fast and my palms sweaty, i would try not to look down, but the temptation was too much, therefore  occasionally i'd wobble and my heart would stand still, id look back up to gain my balance, spread my hands out, the wind was so strong it would force tears from my eyes and roll down my cheeks, but i felt something i had never felt before, i felt free, i felt wild, i was in some sort of a trance, the city was blocked out. But somedays i would ignore the whisper, i was scared for the future if i listened to it.

Suddenly i felt out of control, my heart sunk so far down my stomach it felt like someone had punched me so hard, the wind stopped whispering, my view went blank as i closed my eyes tightly, i felt something wrap around me so vigorously as i fell, but then i felt a soft hand brush my cheeks ever so slightly, i opened my eyes slowly and a face appeared to be looking right at me. It was my love. I looked up at his glistening eyes, he smiled, i forced a smile across my face yet my lips were trembling. I wanted to feel safe, i wanted to feel wanted and loved. No one seemed to understand. Not even my love; but i was determined to make him understand. He had to understand or id be trapped forever in the city of the lights. It was a shame because the wind understood me, he understood exactly what i wanted. 

As the city burned every night id be there on the ledge ready to fly, i wanted to be part of the land, part of the sky, part of the tall green grass that would sway in the wind, the trees that would dance all day, the sun that would light up my heart, i wanted my love by my side to see the freedom i felt when the wind would whisper to me.

As morning after dark came through...that night i had thought long and hard about moving away from the city, i wasn't happy, i didn't feel safe, i didn't  feel love, i could feel the wind holding my hand trying to pull me to the land, trying to pull me to the sky i had always dream of. I tried explaining to my love the freedom i felt, the hope i felt if we moved away. He wasn't sure, i could see the invisible cage he sat in, but i begged him with tears rolling down my face. He agreed.

I started running, dragging my love through the field, i didn't care if the thorns kept stabbing my feet, and the branches stroking my face violently. I didn't even think once to look back at the city... i knew this was right. It felt right. I stopped and looked back at him, he looked at me worriedly through the branches, but i gave him a smile to reassure him that we would be safe. I was one with the land now, i was at harmony and the warmth ran through my body. 

We had wild hearts together and forever. 

No comments:

Post a Comment